Posted in Uncategorized

The Possibilities

Do you ever just get fed up of everything?

Looking st the Spotify playlist and can’t choose what you want to listen to. Scrolling through Netflix and don’t know what you want to watch. 

If we can’t decide simple things, how do we decide who we want to spend our life with? How can we know what we want to do for the rest of our life? How does it all just seem to work out for everyone when it feels like it won’t for you? 
It’s not simple, or easy, or even quick. Some people can decide, I am not one of those. I’m not a decisive person…

That doesn’t mean I’m not good at what I want to do. Or why I shouldn’t get the job I want. It just means I like to keep my options open and make sure the choices I make are perfect or as close to as possible. 

Think of all the possibilities we can have if we let ourselves have options! Can you be non-decisive and set goals? 

Of course. I know what my goals are. I. Is that I want to lose weight, however I’m not deciding, I’m simply focussing on that task at the moment. I know where j want to be in 5 years, it’s not set in stone but I know what I should be doing and maybe that will happen. 

Who knows! 
Enjoy your Wednesday! And just remember, hard work and dreams come together. In the words of Jim Carrey “You can’t just visualise and then…Go eat a sandwich” ūüėä

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Posted in Family, life, Uncategorized

Loved one’s or Lived one’s

Does it really get easier?

There are many, many factors of losing someone, not all get easier.

 

The Pain

That so-called pain you feel when you lose someone near to you, the ache that they are not here to help you through it. ¬†The stab of agony when you remember that you won’t see them and that they won’t see you.

The thing that caused me more pain in these past four years is thinking what he has missed.  Big or small.

He never seen me pass my driving test. ¬†He never knew I went to New York, on my own, for 3 months. ¬†He never seen me finish college. ¬†He never knew what my first full time job was. ¬†He didn’t get to tell me Happy Birthday on my 18th. ¬†He never seen me turn 21. ¬†He doesn’t know what my first car is.

He has never seen Frozen. ¬†He doesn’t know what happened on his favourite TV Soap, Eastenders, in the last 4 years. ¬†He hasn’t heard any of the music that has made all his loved ones dance. ¬†He has missed news and events that has happened. ¬†Ed Sheehan performing at the Brits.

Stupid stuff he won’t really be missing and major things he is missing. ¬†I might get married one day, have a kid. ¬†There are many firsts I still haven’t even covered but he won’t see them.

 

My dad is my one lost love.  The man I thought I would have a lot longer than I did.

 

The Memories

The last memory I have of my dad is talking to him on Skype 3 days before he died. ¬†He was only 40 minutes away from me and I had seen him 2 days before but he always called or video called us on a Tuesday. ¬†He wasn’t feeling great the last time I saw him: 24th February 2013. ¬†4 years ago.

I remember the last 6 months wasn’t the greatest in terms of family. ¬†I never went to his much. ¬†That happens when you can’t stand who he lives with. ¬†I was so mad at my dad. ¬†He never did anything wrong, I caused stupid arguments with him. ¬†How was I to know that it would stick in my memory because I never really got the chance to apologise about it?

I blamed him for things that I shouldn’t have! It wasn’t him. ¬†It was her.

I remember the dish-towel wars we had growing up. ¬†I remember he made putting dishes away a game. ¬†I remember I got blamed for everything. ¬†I remember he used to give me wheat when technically I wasn’t supposed to have it. ¬†I remember he used to make us Fray Bentos pies. ¬†I remember watching Factor and he’d be annoyed when we talked. ¬†I remember watching Demolition Man and Armageddon and Bad Boys and The Karate Kid. ¬†I remember not really wanting to go to his because I felt bullied. ¬†I remember playing out in the street with the other kids there. ¬†I remember the bbq’s and the street gatherings. ¬†iI remember sitting out in the street under a gazebo with our neighbours until the early hours of the morning just talking. ¬†I remember the water fights and the trips to the back shop and playing with my sisters and going walks in the woods and going to the centre to spend some time shopping. ¬†I remember going to the Scotia before kids under 18 weren’t allowed in.

The memories are great. ¬†The memories usually don’t fade.

The memory of my dad. ¬†His big presence he had. ¬†His voice, his laugh, his hand in mine when we walked down the street, the way he squeezed a little too tight making me squirm and laugh. ¬†The memory of actually having him here and talking to him has almost gone. ¬†I can’t remember how he felt and how he sounded.

That’s where the pain comes. ¬†The stabbing pain that I can’t remember his voice unless I hear a video of him.

 

His Presence

People say you can feel if someone is with you, watching over you.

I used to feel my dad here. ¬†I used to imagine him kneeling beside me to tuck me in and say goodnight, every night. ¬†I used to sit on a bus and think he was there. ¬†I used to think he knew everything about me. ¬†When I was upset I would talk to him and explain everything. ¬†When I think I am worthless I used to imagine him standing there and it comforted me to think I wasn’t alone. ¬†Someone finally knew how I felt truly. ¬†Even though he couldn’t help, he still knew.

I can’t feel him anymore. ¬†I’ve not felt him around for a while. ¬†I don’t think he is standing there. ¬†I knew he was there at one point and now I don’t think he is. ¬†I hope he can still see me but I don’t think he can. ¬†It breaks my heart. ¬†It makes me cry. ¬†It really does feel as though someone has stabbed a knife straight through my heart. ¬†I can’t breathe.

 

The Pity

Every time I meet someone new I hate it because the pity will come. ¬†Once they know I’ve lost my dad. ¬†OR if it’s not pity they don’t know how to act. ¬†Like ‘oh, I’m sorry to hear that’.

The comments I still get about being strong and overcoming more than they ever could. ¬†It’s hard to know what to say and I don’t blame them, for now this is what my life is like.

I am not that strong.  I am not coping.

My sisters have had their meltdown. ¬†I think they even may be starting to come out the other side whenever that may be, I’m not too sure. ¬† We don’t really share.

Me: I don’t think I’ve really dealt with it. ¬†I have tried to avoid it. ¬†I had not accepted this. ¬†i have had the thoughts as previously mentioned. ¬†The overwhelming memories. ¬†The though what he will miss. ¬†But I haven’t dealt with it. ¬†I haven’t hit bottom yet. ¬†I’m scared to.

I grieved for 2 weeks then went back to work. ¬†I focus on other things. ¬†I make sure I am distracted all the time. ¬†I don’t like nights. ¬†I think too much.

 

 

In conclusion, the pain does not get easier. ¬†It’s easy to put it to the back of your mind. ¬†To distract yourself. ¬†But you will hit rock bottom. ¬†I will hit rock bottom. ¬†Maybe not this year; maybe not in 2 years. ¬†I don’t know when I will and to be honest I don’t want to, but it’s hard to stay in this no man’s land where I don’t know what to do. ¬†I can’t move on just now because I still think about my dad missing out on everything he has missed. ¬†He has missed so much, and I don’t want him to miss any more.

Posted in happy moments, life, Uncategorized

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Resolutions

We all love something in this world. We all have that one passion.  We all know the feeling of doing something we love.

I love Christmas. ¬†I love going out with my friends. ¬†I love New Year. ¬†I love Disney. ¬†I love Pipebands. ¬†I love Animals. ¬†I love comedy. ¬†There’s an endless list of things we love that aren’t¬†all the same. ¬†Everyone is different.

Which brings me to my point!

Do we actually love all those things? Or do we prefer the build up to them?

 

This is something that has been playing over in my mind, on repeat, for weeks.

 

I realised on Christmas, as I sat at my desk, working, that maybe I didn’t love¬†Christmas anymore. ¬†I love the build up though:

After halloween, how long is it before we can get away with playing Christmas music? I usually have my first Christmas song – Fairytale of New York – playing on 1st November.

The first card we receive and write and send out.  The first message from a friend you get wishing you a Merry Christmas.  The moment you realise you can put up your decorations. The lights go up, the tree goes up, the wreath hangs outside the door.

 

It’s so magical, everything about Christmas is magical. ¬†Shopping for loved ones, everyone in a good mood. ¬†The people not feeling the jolly atmosphere and feeling sorry for them, or trying to raise their spirits.

 

This year, all of that was more important than Christmas Day.

I realised on Hogmanay that it was more fun getting ready than actually being out.  in fact, I was out a whole 2 hours, spent the same time trying to get home too.

I realised at a stand-up comedy gig I went to the other night that I loved the eagerness for the night to come.  I bought my tickets last August, I waited half a year for the night to come.  I enjoyed the show, it was phenomenal, however after the show ended I was disappointed.  I had nothing to look forward to like I did with that show.

*****

Not all our loves can be built up, and some of them I actually do love.

My cats:  I come home and look forward to picking them up and giving them a hug, and even when I do this I feel so much better.

Disney: I put on a Disney movie and it is still as good as when I first watched it.

Pipeband: I go to my band each Monday and I’m still as enthusiastic as ever. ¬†I love playing tenor and swinging my sticks. ¬†Adding new flourishes into our music. ¬†Changing a line or a bar to suit the sides or the pipes. ¬†Watching other bands at competitions and figuring out new things we can pick up from them.

*****

Love is a strange thing. ¬†It’s easy to feel. ¬†It’s easy to do. ¬†It’s hard to keep. ¬†It takes work.

 

Do we enjoy the build up? Or do we enjoy the feeling?

I made my choice on Hogmanay. ¬†I panicked. ¬†I couldn’t breathe. I knew my love for hogmanay was now about getting the night planned and getting ready than the actual night.

Is it because I felt alone. ¬†Is it because or how I view myself? Is it because I’m not comfortable in my own skin?

Who knows? All I know is that I am not a fan anymore.

Posted in dating, Uncategorized

Jitters ūüėĖ

The nerves of a first date are unlike many. I don’t know about you but I’m always nervous – not been on many but still enough to know that uneasy feeling!
The glances at the door as you wait. The deep breaths to convince yourself it will all be fine. The frantic texts to your friends to say how nervous you are!
Believe me! I know what it’s like!
I’ve never had a date that ended like I wanted it to. Where we kissed goodnight. Where I knew he was into me. Where I thought maybe he’d text at some point!

Maybe this time he would…
I look at myself in the mirror when I get to the bathroom. Criticising myself about how I look, my weight, my personality.

I tell myself that no one would walk away from a date thinking you were someone special.

Why would they?

You aren’t special.
I would sit and wonder what they thought as they walked in the door. What they thought as they talked to me.

The awkward pauses.

The moment when you maybe glanced away instead of making eye contact.

That time when you escused yourself and hurried off to the bathroom – what did he think when you walked away!

Did he notice you had a bit much to drink?

Did he notice that you’re overthinking every little detail?

Is he aware that you took a little too much time in the bathroom composing yourself to believe he might actually like you!
But at the end of the night, did he try to pull you close?

To see if he could kiss you?

To see if you were into him?

Did you ever think, he feels the same as me?
Maybe not to the extent!

But did you ever stop and think: he’s the exact same as me. He doesn’t know if “I” like “him”!

If I want to text him back!
Maybe date jitters are a natural and sane thing. Maybe just maybe you’re overthinking!

Posted in Pet Peeves

Dirty Laundry ūüė∑

 

One of the WORST things in this world are people airing their “dirty laundry” in public.

 

This has led me to have really horrible days, especially this week. ¬†It’s a pretty – excuse the french – sh**ty thing to do actually, even if it’s not aimed at you.

This week I’ve had someone who is really close to me air something in public but trying to make it private. ¬†The people who don’t actually point blame but suggest it like “nice to know someone cares …” blah blah blah

 

No one wants someone to be tweeting or posting about them or friends, they also don’t want to be scrolling down their profile and see a post that’s suggestively aimed at them.

 

This week I booked the week off work to have a nice, fun, relaxed week. ¬†I wanted to be able to go back to work and say ‘My week was brilliant”

Unfortunately I can’t say that this time.

 

Now, I am not saying it’s because of this one post but it has a lot to do with that.

For the past few weeks I’ve not really been in the best state, it’s been a struggle, but that post this week topped it all off. ¬†The part that makes me mad about this sort of thing is the comments – ‘tell me what happened?’ ‘PM me please?’ ‘Are you okay?’ ‘I’m here to talk if you need me’

That’s comforting to know if you’re the ‘poster’ – but to be the ‘postee’?

That close person who aimed that status at me actually PM’d a mutual friend about that very thing – it’s one thing to feel angry and post an aimed status and air that laundry but it’s another to go and talk behind that persons back and tell everyone about it!

 

That’s the lowest of the low there I feel, and it really gets to me because now I feel like I’ve lost people I care about. ¬†I hate that feeling, I hate feeling like more people are going and all of that could have been saved if only that one post wasn’t posted.

 

So how about next time you feel angry enough to start a social media argument text that person and let them know how you feel.

 

My week has consisted of convincing friends and family members that I’m alright.

 

Til next time¬†ūüėú

Posted in happy moments, Strength, Uncategorized

Strength

In more than one way I am strong.

There’s being strong and then being confident in that strength. ¬†This is the area I have been thinking about, I’ve been hung up on this for a while and now I want to let you guys know my thoughts on this.

 

There are many varieties of strength, as well as many meanings to it.

The first on I’d like to discuss is mental strength. ¬†This is the area everyone can vary vastly in, physical strength is easy to build on, but it takes time and effort to build mental strength.

“If your content with being single, you’re strong” This phrase is wrong:

 

While you may be a strong human for being able to be single and not depend on someone, it’s not strength really.

Now, I’m not saying the phrase is completely wrong but heres my main points on the issue:

  • ¬†I’ve been told this many different times and in my case its not true. ¬†I am upset every time someone around me gets a boyfriend, or gets closer with a guy or girl or I hear someone new I meet is in a relationship. ¬†Not in a jealous way but more in a longing way:¬†Longing may be the wrong word but we’ll stick with it at the moment.

What I mean is that I’ve never had a relationship more than a few dates or texts. ¬†I don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship. ¬†I don’t know what it’s like for a guy to like me for me. ¬†So my point, how am I more strong single than in a relationship?

  • How is it strong to want to go out and be free? Why not show your strength with someone you can share it with.

I know that I’d rather share my strength, share these moments with someone I care for.

  • If you really were strong, you could still be free in your relationship. ¬†It wouldn’t seem like work but it would be as though you are with someone you actually want to share moments with. ¬†You want to share everything with.

 

I know saying this without being in a relationship is different than actually experiencing one. ¬†I know that a relationship won’t fix my problems, it will fix some and create some. ¬†I’ve faced a lot in my twenty years of life and I have came through the other side.

I’ve been told by friends its not all fun and laughing and love in relationships and I know it’s not. ¬†Especially for me because I like to make things more difficult and create problems that aren’t there. ¬†I have done over and over but I’ve always came out the other side better and stronger.

 

I do believe I am strong mentally. ¬†How many people can say they’ve gone through losing a parent, step-grandparent and grandparent in one year?

On top of that I lost contact with 3 amazing little sisters?

Half my family started arguments and I lost them!

From there I’ve been trying to ruin anything or anyone¬†I get close to for fear that I either lose them or become too vulnerable to get hurt or worse; change the person I was when my dad knew me.

Thats another point there:

The topic of being strong is to be fearless. ¬†if you have fears you aren’t strong.

I call that just now. ¬†That is a rubbish excuse for being an ass in life. ¬†Thats the kind of guy or girl who thinks they are strong but really won’t live with any joy or friends or love or anything.

 

I am mentally strong.  I live everyday to prove that I am.  I could have killed myself by now.  I have wanted to and thought about it a lot.  I need to prove that I can keep going in the dark times.

 

I haven’t covered this part of strength enough but I’m going to move on to physical strength now.

 

I am physically strong too.  With a little help from a PT and the gym and having the dedication to keep going.

 

My most recent goal was 55kg deadlift. ¬†30kg (maybe heavier I’m not sure) back squat. ¬†20kg bench press.

But when people see me they don’t see that. ¬†They see fat arms that hide my muscles. ¬†Legs that look fatter than usual but really are mostly muscle.

My abs I can’t talk for. ¬†I know thats the part I need to work on.

 

My point to this is that you don’t see physical strength in me – maybe in others you can by the muscles but we all think was that genuinely just training or steroids?

While you can see physical strength, you don’t see mental.

I constantly battle with the voices in my head, with days that I feel are dragging me down, with moments that I think too much, overthink everything.  No one really stops to think how much mental strength my brain endures daily to be able to keep me on top of this whole thing.

 

I can have days where I want to cry when I’m driving. ¬†When I want to shut my door and cry in my bed, in the dark. ¬†When I want to talk to my dad and listen to disney or my dads songs.

 

I also have days where I can mostly forget all my problems and live like I have no troubles. I’m sure many of you are the same.

 

I want to raise awareness that even if you’re life is great, you may be flaunting a relationship or muscles or your tight crop top, even just holding hands down the street with a family member. ¬†There is always going to be someone who is dealing with grief of a family member, or struggles with a mental problem or struggles full stop.

 

Don’t stop what you’re doing that makes you happy, but be aware that others are around and may need you to help save them from themselves.

 

Til next time ¬†ūüėė

Posted in happy moments, life, Lovelifelivelife, MyTrips, New Chapter

My Trip to Amsterdam!

THIS POST IS ABOUT MY TRIP TO AMSTERDAM. ¬†FIRST I’D LIKE TO GRAB YOUR ATTENTION BRIEFLY.

Most of you guys will know about these posts. ¬†I’ve now got my page(s) controlled. ¬†This page is for my trips, I have a¬†separate blog called Dear A as a sort of diary post and Keep a close eye on this space because I’m starting to launch a new page – hopefully very soon.

Enjoy my post 

Jen xoxo

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This last week I have been in Amsterdam (If that’s not clear from the title) and while there I took lots of pictures – not as much as I’d have liked – and ate some great food and walked and walked and walked for miles.

 

My favourite thing about the trip would have to be the Anne Frank House (Huis for the dutch).  Although there was a lot of hassle to get in what with us not thinking to book tickets, we managed to  Рafter 2 1/2 hours of waiting in the rain Рget in and see the marvellous location.  I bought her book (before we went, and have even started reading it.

I would recommend giving it a read if you’re ever looking for something interesting. ¬†It intrigues me, and fascinates me how a thirteen year old wrote it, and I’m not even a hundred pages in and I’m already enthralled!

Honestly, I would love to move to Amsterdam and live there – even if it would only be for a short time. ¬†It would be amazing. ¬†I truly fell in love with the city, and its culture. ¬†Although I never went for what most people do. ¬†I found that it was just such a nice place and the people were so lovely and polite. ¬†It’s a very welcoming place, and if you ever fancy a nice holiday with a lot of culture and walking and just embracing the city you visit – you don’t just need to go for the elephant in the room shall we say.

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The traffic system is so intriguing but confusing. ¬†I almost got knocked over or badly injured, at least, 30 times in one hour. ¬†Bikes go any way they want, trams don’t stop often, cars are turning and u-turning on junctions, vespas going along cycle lanes and its all so confusing. ¬†But, like i say, intriguing. ¬†Not once did I hear a car peep its horn at a cyclist, or a tram nearly run over anything but me – and that’s only because I was too busy looking around the place.

The traffic is mental but its a system that works.  In fact, a lot in Amsterdam just works.

Soon we were at Madame Tussauds – which I thought wouldn’t be as exciting as New York but of course I was proven wrong:

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The highlight would be making a wax hand sculpture.  it seemed so exciting then my and my sister stood there looking at the hot wax and thinking Рmy hand will be burned off now.

Enter the trained worker: She took us through the process and we have a lovely memorabilia of our time in Amsterdam as sisters.

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It’s quite cute actually.

 

Then a lovely canal ride, where our guide (a headset talking us through the route) told us many facts about Amsterdam – all of which I have forgotten already.

But I do remember the ride, and one point in particular about a canal that you can see seven consecutive bridges.

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And i managed to get a really nice picture.  Of course it would look MUCH better on a canon 70D Рespecially nice on a canon 5D but i only had access to an iPhone Рwhich actually takes pretty great pictures.

Except for focus, which I can live with at this point.  Until I can afford my own camera and lenses.  Oh speaking of that, i almost wanted to steal the Australian guys camera on the canal ride, I was very jealous at his camera.

 

Back to Amsterdam.

Everything about the trip was perfect and a great week away.

 

Back to reality now though!

See Ya, til next time

Jen

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I’ll leave this post on my tea in a half-pint glass – piping hot tea in a glass with no handles….smart move people of Amsterdam.